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Perfecting Text Messaging, To Get Laid... |
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December 9, 2011

Perfecting Text Messaging, To Get Laid…


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From a female perspective emotional conversations via text messaging is about as delightful as being forced to watch an afternoon of eastern conference football. Now I'm not talking about sexting, that's a whole other erotic adventure, what I am specifically referencing here is using your thumbs to dictate the romance natural inflections in your voice. This is a guide to the main things that annoy your special someone and some small insight into the ways you can use SMS to stand above a crowd of regular joes.

First,Text messages are lazy. Yes you could call and leave a super sweet message letting your dream girl know that you miss her and hope she has sweet dreams or you could just text “gnite” in one word. It's your call. But often your lazy uncomfortable doucheself will find it easier to not appear vulnerable and just “say whatever, whatever I ┬ádo what I want with my hot body.” a la Cartman. Well he maybe in fourth grade but he probably has more game than you.

Second, Text messages are easily misunderstood.If you though analyzing the tone of poetry in senior year english class was torture enough imagine trying to understand what a hot girl is thinking via 140 characters which are often abbreviated. Fuck. Likewise for how easy it is for her to misinterpret your thumb's poetic verse. “yeah” can literally mean anything to a girl. And word to the wise, when she's angry “yeah” = “I don't give a shit about you enough to text back a real response to your deep insightful question”.

Finally, Text messages can be saved. And sometimes used in court. Gone are the good ol days of needing the asshat that's trying to entrap you by carrying around a tape recorder. Just hand out some strands of rope and most folks will hang themselves with stupid text message records. Reminder girls over analyze EVERYTHING. Do you really want to leave them with a string of words that they will proceed to make a years worth of emotional content out of?

Resolution, Make text messages special. “Yeah. Mmk. Lol.” Any other annoying one worded attempt at interacting is the same as blowing your load 30 seconds before she even takes your pants off. Think of it as penning love notes not jr. high grade instant message conversations. When she wants to meet you at 11pm let her know how you've been thinking about her all day and can't wait to see her (lies) instead of “okay see you later”.

Resolution, Make text messages detailed. Use vivid detail that is not normal via text to set the tone. Saying that the color of her dress matched the color of her new hair tones perfectly (lies) will drop panties so fast. Be a little gay sometimes and mention things that a best girlfriend would notice aka if it turns you on you should use that to your advantage so she will not only do it more but have confidence when she does it.

Resolution, Make text messages romantic. Use pet names or any other gushy bullshit you would never say out loud. If you send her emoticons flowers via a text picture app that costs $1.99, you just made a textual memory that will make her smile which often times can be valued in the millions. Also having a signature let's her know you can't continue to talk right now or need to finish your thought. For instance, I sign certain texts with Xoxo. Is the little things that let him know I save all my affection for him and only him. Make sure to let her know you feel the same way. (lies)

Hopefully you grew a nut and realize all the wrongs in your current text convos and some ways you can now use it for evil… I mean to get laid. Just remember avoid all fights via text by being detailed, romantic, and not shit faced stupid. In the end will you stand out above the crowd of textually unsavy jerks she dated before.

Written from the girl next door that wants to help you get laid, BE

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